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Quotes to Make You Laugh

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In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

2. Paul Ehrlich - To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

3. Steven Wright - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

4. Jay Leno - Dick Cheney says he loves California - out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it. Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

5. Dave Attell - Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people the cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

6. Steven Wright - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

7. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

8. George Bush - One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.

9. Bill Maher - Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

10. Rodney Dangerfield - I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

11. Winston Churchill - A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

12. Jay Leno - Al Gore has found a new job - teach journalism at Columbia University. Ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

13. George Bush - The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany.

14. Dave Attell - Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

15. Rodney Dangerfield - My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Life can be serious, but don’t put too much stock in the pressures of the moment. Tomorrow is a new day and somewhere, somehow, someone will say something hilarious.

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