The Dust Settles On Miss America When I was a hormonally-challenged lad of eleven or so, the Miss America Pageant was a very big deal to me. After all, it was the one night of the year when the network ditched The Partridge Family and Room 222 in favor of beautiful women sauntering
Staying Alive What if someone handed you a pill and said, "Take this pill and you will live to be 120 years old." Would you take the pill? What if they said, "Not only will you live longer, but your body will stop aging from this point on. You can be 120 years old
St. Viagra's Dance The human brain can be a remarkable thing, depending upon whose head it happens to reside in. Some people have a brain that works like a powerful computer, taking in raw data and processing it until it is transformed into technically coherent terms.
Sometimes Life Just Ain't Funny There's an old southern saying that goes, "Don't like the weather? Just hang around a few minutes. It'll change." Anyone who's spent much time in Alabama can relate to that one. It's not uncommon to wake up to a blue sky filled with brilliant sunshin
Some Guys Have All The Luck When I was in high school the best way to meet girls was to join a rock'n'roll band. These days you'd be better served by joining The Young Democrats Club. Thanks (in no small part) to the "alleged" escapades of our beloved President Bill "Do You Wan
Smoke 'em If You Can Afford 'em I was talking with my young friend, Heywood, recently, when the conversation veered from professional wrestling and last week's episode of Seinfeld to global politics and matters of international trade. "If I were president, I'd make friends with Cub
Show Me The Money As the stock market was experiencing its biggest one day drop ever last week, and as many investors watched their portfolios shrivel, I realized two very important things. One, there's nothing sadder than a shriveling portfolio, and two, the stock ma
Pick On Somebody Your Own Size Unless you've spent the past few weeks living in a cave that isn't wired for cable, you've undoubtedly heard that Mattel, Inc. is going to redesign their most popular toy, the Barbie Doll. So what, you say? Consider this: Mattel sells 20 Barbie Dolls
No Sale Like A Yardsale My wife, God love her, has a problem. Ordinarily, she is a wonderful woman, always kind to animals and small children, friendly with the neighbors, loved by one and all. But every Saturday morning, just after sun up, something happens to her, somethi
If You Clone A Schizophrenic Like all great men of superior intelligence, I spend an inordinate amount of time knee deep in heavy contemplation. In other words, I waste an awful lot of time just sitting around thinking. And what, you might ask, does one blessed with superior int
I Was Rooting For Although I'm not a sports writer by trade, it would have been considered bad journalism if I had come out on the side of Alabama or Auburn before last Saturday's big game. But now that the Iron Bowl is over and the season is almost at its end, I can
I Love You, You Love Me Why is it that every time I go to the grocery store I get in line behind this rather large woman with four small kids and two buggies of groceries and a clenched fistful of coupons? And why is it that half of the things she's buying require a price c
I Hope You Kept The Receipt I was still standing in the mall entranceway when I discovered that I had no idea what to do next. That's when I realized that it doesn't matter how early in the season you shop if you have no idea what you're shopping for. In other words: tis better
Honey, Did You Take Your Pill? The newspaper headline read: Male Contraceptive Pill Shows Promise, Pilot Study Finds. Hmm, I thought, a study of pilots who practice safe sex, how interesting. Is this what the FAA is spending my hard-earned tax dollars on? No wonder they're called
Growing Old In A Red Miata I just had a birthday. Let me correct that: I just had ANOTHER birthday. Before you start congratulating me on making it through yet another year with most of my hair and a fair number of my own teeth intact, let me say that I was not particularly th
